Is being your child’s friend helpful or harmful? If you want to create an explosive discussion this is the question to ask! There are strong feelings on both sides of the issue.
However, the majority of family psychologists and parenting experts have leaned toward the theory that ‘Kids need you to be their parent not their friend.”
This may ruffle some feathers, but I disagree… Let me explain.
It is my opinion that those who subscribe to the theory that parents should not be their child’s friend are also of the mindset that parenting is based on controlling and exerting authority.
With that being said, it is important to examine your definition of ‘parenting’ and ‘friendship’ and the role they fulfill in our lives.
Parenting
The definition and role of a parent is someone who is in a position to influence and guide their child toward what is good and positive in a way that supports their journey to creating the life they were born to live. This is done by honoring and respecting their individuality, providing and supporting opportunities that will help them achieve their heart’s desire. With the most important aspect being unconditional love.
Friendship
The definition and role of a friend is someone you enjoy spending time with, share a basis of common interests and who can be trusted to be there for you through good times and bad, always having your best interest at heart. They are someone you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with without fear of judgment or criticism and look to for guidance because you respect their opinion. With the most important aspect being unconditional love.
Now let’s look at the traits of a relationship between a parent and child that possesses both parenting and friendship qualities.
Parent/Friend relationship
This relationship is built on mutual respect honoring the differences and unique qualities each person has. The common goal is what is best for the other with a willingness to be there as a support system for each other. They find enjoyment in sharing interests and spending time together. A healthy level of trust exists which means they are comfortable sharing thoughts and feelings. The fact that they respect each other and do not fear being judged or criticized creates a desire to listen to and offer their respective opinions. With the most important aspect being unconditional love.
The nay-sayers will quickly raise objections to parents seeing their children as a confidant stating children are not mature enough to deal with many adult issues… that parents should not burden their children with their struggles and issues. And they would be correct.
And it is for that reason that the careful distinction must be made that parents can and should be their child’s friend but that does not mean that the child is the parent’s friend on all levels. There is a common sense line that parents, through their level of maturity, can easily identify as areas that are not appropriate to share with children.
A few areas that are appropriate to share with your child:
- Your dreams and goals.
- Being tired from a long day at work.
- Your successes and triumphs.
- Feeling overwhelmed when schedules become stressful.
- Needing quiet time to recharge.
All of these are examples of times you would share with a friend so that they will understand you and know you on a deeper level. They are times that we all experience and when shared gives others an opportunity to be someone who is compassionate and helpful. It is important for parents to remember that it is less about the struggles you share than it is about the way in which you model finding solutions.
As with many things in life, there is good and bad or in this case helpful or harmful. An alert parent will recognize what is potentially harmful and not expose their child to areas obviously inappropriate. On the other hand, it is extremely helpful when you position yourself in your child’s life much the way a friend would in order to form arelationship that places you in their eyes as someone on their side, there for them no matter what without judgment or criticism with the most important aspect being unconditional love.
When we, as parents, establish the type of relationship with our children that creates a desire to spend time with us, inspires them to confide their thoughts and feelings to us, fosters a sense of respect for our opinions and generates an atmosphere of unconditional love haven’t we achieved the ultimate goal of parents everywhere?