As human beings we are wired for connection and intimacy. We long to be fully known and loved. Without this, we become lonely. Sadly, with all our technology today that is supposed to make us more “connected,” people are lonelier than ever – even inside marriage.

But what is intimacy really? Is it sex?

Could be, but many more people have sex than actually “make love.” Many people grow up even thinking that sex is a suitable replacement for love, which in the end creates even more emptiness.

I remember reading an article about basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain who said he slept with thousands of women. In the end he admitted that this truly hurt him because it kept him from ever creating true intimacy.

True intimacy is intellectual, and spiritual as well as just physical. When we first got to know our mate, we spent long hours connecting intellectually. We wanted to know everything about this new person in our life. We connected emotionally in times of conversation and discovery.

So, when it comes to building intimacy in your marriage here are some keys:

1. Building intimacy in marriage requires more than a physical act.

-The act of sex is most meaningful in an environment of closeness,  trust and  meaning.

-If one mate is unavailable physically or emotionally, it may because the other areas of intimacy are falling short.

-Do what you can to give more in the area that is lacking

2. Building intimacy in marriage takes effort

- It takes time to be present with each other. This doesn’t happen just by existing under the same roof.

-It includes creativity. To inspire feelings of love, our brain longs for some variety. Go somewhere new together. Refuse to always do just what worked last time.

-Become more unselfish for more happiness. It’s one of the paradoxes of love.

3. Building intimacy in marriage includes vulnerability

-Look at the word this way: “In to me see” For many people this thought of being truly seen is terrifying.

-We must face our universal fear of being found “not good enough.” And for our mate to do so, they must be utterly safe with us.

- This vulnerability will be wildly rewarding or wickedly hurtful. As anything in life,  the greater the risk, the greater the reward.

4. Building intimacy in marriage reveals God’s heart towards us

-In God’s design of covenant, everything we have belongs to each other.

-We experience the joy of being truly loved and exhilarated.

-We find true pleasure and delight no matter what chaos may shake the world around us.

Building true intimacy – emotionally, spiritually and physically creates a marriage that is fully alive.

However, being emotionally or physically unavailable for your spouse damages your chances of intimacy. Hiding from ourselves and our own mate means that we are killing a part of our own vitality. Take the higher way!

I encourage you to take time, take a risk and love deeper than you have before. It’s never too late to fall deeper and deeper in love with this infinite soul that is your spouse.

Have you ever experienced a breakthrough or a roadblock in your marriage intimacy? Please share your thoughts below.